Edward Penishands

For obvious reasons, Edward and Edward’s better known twin were separated at birth. And Edward Penishands grew up an outcast, repeatedly incarcerated for sex crimes. But the boy never pled guilty and he never let the surgeons touch his hands.

Entering into adulthood, Edward flourished, especially in college; the women in his life saw his gift. He could make the everyday, extraordinary. The simple act of putting on a fitted dress shirt would send chills up his arms and no one could ever tell if he was looking for change in his backpack or spraying loads of cum into the tissues he secretly kept in the bottom of his favourite camo-coloured bag.

And despite his difficult childhood, Edward had a penchant for danger and risk so he made a precarious career choice in filling the role of the usually mundane, library clerk position. One day at work, after an especially painful papercut suffered in the course of reorganising the children’s section (which was always a mess), Edward was confronted by a little girl, no more than eight or nine years old. She asked Edward, “why are you so quiet?” Edward turned to the little girl, Sarah, her name was, and replied with a whisper, “I work in a fucking library and I have penises for hands you little shit.”

Shortly thereafter, Edward was arrested again.