12

A scene from a middle-aged man’s life.

…

[Walks briskly into the office restroom]

(sweating and under his breath) “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.”

[Frantically undoes his belt and jeans, clenching his legs together back and forth careful only to let gasps of air seep out of his quivering butthole]

[sitting quickly, he begins to push]

“Ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.“

[Toilet water splashes all over his ass cheeks and even his balls as he pees into the water that has now turned brown]

(muttering) “Oh my fuuuuucking God that feels amazing.”

[Farts wildly as the pee drip drops to an end and a single drop of sweat rolls down his cheek]

[A throat clears from the next stall. Time stops. The middle-aged man mouths a single word.]

“FUCK.”

11

A real conversation at work.

Ryan: “I want you to do a Jewish accent.”

Adam: “Ha! I can’t do a Jewish accent, give me a country.”

Ryan: “West Bank, and I want to hear the conflict in your voice.”

Adam: “Come on, a real country.”

Ryan: “I think you just suck at accents.”

10

As a ‘disabled-sign’ aficionado, I’ve traveled the world in search of the perfect disabled sign. The truth, of course, is that no sign should be judged and that all signs are precious and beautiful in their own way.

The other truth is that the design of a disabled sign will tell you more about a culture than years of reading Conservapedia and watching Fox News ever can. For example, in some parts of the Middle-East, the disabled sign doesn’t show a man sitting, it shows a man rising up from ashes. In Argentina, the disabled sign shows a man dancing badly to a small contingent of talented-looking guitarists. And in Papua New Guinea absolutely all signs are notable in that they sit inside of an opaque box – forcing people to see what’s on the inside before illegally taking the parking space in directly in front of the hospital (or अस्पताल).

It’s only in the most “modern” Western societies that you see a stick figure reaching desperately forward, looking downtrodden as it sits within in an uncomfortable looking semicircle.

Most countries don’t have disabled signs though, and the beauty in that is that those countries don’t see people as “able-d” or “disabled”. The Tibetans are a great example as they don’t have a word for “disability”, instead referring to everyone as “struggling uniquely”. And they sure as shit don’t need their government posting signs reminding people to be considerate of one another.

9

A real conversation at work.

Ryan: “Can vegetarians eat eggs?”

Adam: “No, some don’t. They can have fish eggs maybe.”

Ryan: “What about velociraptor eggs?”

Adam: “Ha, probably.”

Ryan: “Okay, what about dragon eggs?”

Adam: “I’m not sure that’s relevant. That’s like asking if they can eat unicorn eggs.”

Ryan: “Unicorns don’t lay eggs.”

Adam: “How could you possibly know that?”

Ryan: “Have you ever seen a horse lay an egg?”

Adam: “I’d think a unicorn is more closely related to a rhinoceros.”

Ryan: “Okay, have you ever seen a rhinoceros lay an egg?”

Adam: “No but unicorns aren’t rhinoceroses, rhinoceri, rhinos.”

Ryan: “Maybe I’m thinking of vegans.”

Adam: “I hate you.”

8

Mo Farah recently won his 5^th World Championship gold medal. Commentators described him as the greatest British sportsman of all time. This is his story.

—

A posh English immigration officer named Arlington, having travelled to Africa on holiday, sees a young boy running out ahead of their Jeep.

(posh English immigration officer): “I do say! Driver, pick up your speed. See you if you can run that boy down.”

…

30 minutes later.

…

(posh English immigration officer): “Driver! Yell at him to stop running or I will shoot him.”

The driver yells a warning. The boy stops.

(posh English immigration officer): “Let me have a look at you! Ah yes, a fine specimen. How would you like to become British?”

The young boy looks at the driver quizzically.

(posh English immigration officer): “It’s settled then! You shall represent Her Majesty to show the world the inherent sporting excellence of the greatest nation on Earth – Great Britain!”

The posh English immigration officer goes to grab the young boy but the boy begins to run.

(posh English immigration officer): “Stop! Driver! Stop that boy. He is to be England’s greatest athlete!”

The driver goes to chase the boy as the boy runs into a nearby outhouse toilet. A shot rings out. The boy screams. The driver and the posh English immigration officer run to the flimsy structure where the boy hid only to find that both of his legs are shot through just below the knees.

(posh English immigration officer): “Oh for Christ’s sake! I’ve meant only to scare him! Driver! You saw that it was an accident, did you not?!”

The driver picks up the boy and they rush him to a hospital in Johannesburg. The boy undergoes a double-amputation. He would eventually become known as, “Bladerunner”.

…

Upon returning from his safari, Arlington goes back to the immigration office and settles back in to his daily routine. As luck would have it, a young boy named Mo Farah would emigrate from Africa passing through his doors only a week later. Arlington, so distraught in his belief that he’d destroyed what was to be his greatest contribution to the British Empire, overlooks the boy that would become England’s greatest sportsman.

7

You know why I like can openers?

They believe in themselves.

6

Dammed Blind People

I was walking to work the other day in Westminster and saw an old man with a candy-cane (walking stick for blind people), his arm looped through an old lady’s arm, she also had a candy-cane. An oft-used saying came to mind.

The moral of the story is to always carry a few bricks in your pockets and should you come across a stream of blind people, build a dam. The blind will pool and the fishing will be much easier. Also, you can then build a turnstile which works as a turbine to harness blind energy. Unfortunately, they’ll think they’ve wandered into a train station and wait an extraordinarily long time at the next curb for the 12:02 to Victoria to arrive.

But it won’t arrive. And the environmentalists will be up in arms about sidewalk erosion and be equally upset that PMs won’t be able to make it up-stream to their natural breeding grounds at St. Margaret’s.

5

In the late 1980s, my great aunt Ann was diagnosed with Stage-4 breast cancer. As a devout Christian she never went back to the doctor and instead left it in God’s hands.

Steve Jobs turned to vegetables.

Aunt Ann turns 98 this year.

I no longer believe in vegetables.

4

Edward Penishands

For obvious reasons, Edward and Edward’s better known twin were separated at birth. And Edward Penishands grew up an outcast, repeatedly incarcerated for sex crimes. But the boy never pled guilty and he never let the surgeons touch his hands.

Entering into adulthood, Edward flourished, especially in college; the women in his life saw his gift. He could make the everyday, extraordinary. The simple act of putting on a fitted dress shirt would send chills up his arms and no one could ever tell if he was looking for change in his backpack or spraying loads of cum into the tissues he secretly kept in the bottom of his favourite camo-coloured bag.

And despite his difficult childhood, Edward had a penchant for danger and risk so he made a precarious career choice in filling the role of the usually mundane, library clerk position. One day at work, after an especially painful papercut suffered in the course of reorganising the children’s section (which was always a mess), Edward was confronted by a little girl, no more than eight or nine years old. She asked Edward, “why are you so quiet?” Edward turned to the little girl, Sarah, her name was, and replied with a whisper, “I work in a fucking library and I have penises for hands you little shit.”

Shortly thereafter, Edward was arrested again.